The DUMBEST Products that Apparently Sell Like Hotcakes on the interwebs — A Continuously Curated List

I tapped into one of the internet’s most notorious motivators of SPAM ads, Clickbank, to find you the hottest-selling trash I could find. Using ClickBank’s own statistics engine, I went through all of the top sellers, to figure out what kind of crap people are pushing and why.

Clickbank is an online marketplace where the people who want to get their products out there set the terms that they are willing to pay for a sale, and the sky is the limit in terms of what companies may be willing to pay. Sometimes they are allowing for recurring revenue through subscriptions to be passed on to the sellers, creating extra motivation, driven by subscription revenue. They pay up to 70% commission to anyone who can bring customers through whatever means necessary, which can include spamming your email, spamming Facebook groups, and “influencing”. Motivated sellers foam at the mouth and set up all kinds of sleazy methods to sell more of these products than the next guy.

ClickBank offers potential sellers the opportunity to look at the average earnings per sale as well as the “gravity” (essentially popularity) of the product. Products with high gravity are actually selling out there… here’s some of the crap that is doing well.

Sketches of Random People that they Claim to represent your Soulmate

So Hott

Soulmate Sketch LMFAO claims that they can sketch your soulmate, psychically from no information other than YOUR name. This would be convenient, because … you know… from their perspective, there can be no wrong answers. What would actually be an impressive feat, is if they could give me a sketch of ME, using only my name. If I were in this business, I’d probably just send my customers prints of the same dozen or so sketches, according to the affiliate stats… people are actually buying this shit.

Master Wang is also a “soulmate sketch artist” who draws pictures of random people and sells them to you… but at least he is a little more marketable.

Caffeine Remarketed as a weight loss Supplement

Java Burn is some kind of coffee additive that they claim will allow you to lose weight. The marketing makes it seem like it is basically like adding cocaine to your coffee. They claim that it is “scientifically proven”, but there are no actual scientific studies referenced and no indication of the active ingredient. The marketing video is full of hard-sell tactics… discounts that end “today” (yet are perpetual, in reality). If a coffee additive could make you lose weight, I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t need to be marketed this way. After doing some digging, I’ve found that its key ingredients are Green Tea, Caffeine, and L-theanine (which counteracts the bad effects of Caffeine). My guess is that they hyper-charge you with caffeine and then calm you down with L-theanine. Obviously, caffeine has addictive qualities, so if it is indeed the key ingredient, then the marketing claims that there are “no side effects” are lies. Caffeine is not harmless, and there are side effects in the form of dependence issues. Caffeine is a drug.

When you Run out of Male Subscribers to your Scam Dating Site

His Secret Obsession might be for you if you are a female who has difficulty getting dick. Do you NOT have dicks waved in your face every day and flooding your Snapchat? I didn’t think so. But on the off chance that you are a woman who wants help getting the top quality waxed, lubed up, muscular man of your dreams, “His Secret Obsession” claims to have a secret formula… Or… you can just go on tinder and find 6 dates one night and pick your favorite. Cheaper. Your choice.

Would you Rather be Paid Modestly for doing nothing, or Be a God?

Click Wealth System is a get-rich-quick scheme that tries to be covert about it. Instead of claiming that you’ll get rich overnight, they appeal to people’s inherent desire to be lazy and make reasonable amounts of money doing nothing… essentially by doing what they’re doing. “Customer Middleman Arbitrage” is essentially a covert MLM… as rather than selling products directly, they work to sign up other people to become affiliates like them, although I am not sure whether they take a cut of your profits, or rather just sell you some software to make things easier as an affiliate marketer. Regardless, they are selling you on the idea of selling. I think the only reason they do well is that they don’t promise you millions, overnight, but rather $211K/year for doing practically nothing. If it is so easy for them to make websites and money with”5 clicks”, then why don’t they just sit at the computer all day clicking away until they are billionaires? Moral of this story: If someone had a money printing machine, they would print money with it… they would not sell it to you.

The Midas Manifestation is for those of you who, instead of being vaguely promised a 6-figure income for doing nothing, would rather have absolutely everything… not just wealth, but fame, love, sex, power, and eternal life, because apparently, they know how to make you travel through multiple parallel universes, making you, essentially an invincible god, unplugged from the matrix, able to remake the universe (as the universe is just a projection of your consciousness). My favorite part of the marketing is when they use scare tactics warning you that you need interdimensional travel to save you from losing your job and becoming homeless. “Buy our book or you’re going to be homeless! Buy quick, because they want to kill me and burn down my office!”

Expensive Horoscopes sends lunar horoscope videos, and apparently is a subscription service, quietly taking money out on your credit card every month. I’m not sure if it is daily or whatever, but I guess if you’re into that kind of stuff, maybe you’d like to get a video horoscope every day. It sells like hotcakes because the affiliates who are marketing it really want that recurring revenue and is pushed hard by lots of people trying to get rich on the internet.

Clearly the Source of your Internet Provider’s Customer Support Staff

Find Your Perfect Online Job — Ever wonder why nobody ever has good online chat support reps anymore? Probably because they brokered them through this guy. If I were hiring online support reps, I think I’d rather get them through a reputable place…. not this bizarre matchmaking service. But, in the case that you actually do want to sit on your computer making money by posting on Facebook, or chatting with some company’s customers… maybe this guy can help.

A Dog Training Course… Who Doesn’t like Dogs?

Brain Training For Dogs … now I actually like this one. The marketing is very cute, although a bit too “hard sell-y”. My Dog, Yuki has an attitude problem, maybe they can help me!

0 Replies to “The DUMBEST Products that Apparently Sell Like Hotcakes on the interwebs — A Continuously Curated List”

  1. Wow, so many odd products out there on ClickBank! Makes you wonder why people fall for them. Have anyone here tried any of these? Just curious.

    1. Comment from User_111: @Laura Evans: I once used Brain Training For Dogs for my Labrador, it actually made a difference. He’s much more obedient now!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.